


Day 30 and 31: Recovery and Embrace

by Drvivc (Fight_Surrender)



Series: Whumptober 2019 [17]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Feelings, M/M, Not Beta Read, Simon shares his feelings, SnowBaz, Sort Of, Whumptober 2019, feelings of worthlessness, is this angsty?, it was for me writing it, it's fucking hard, mental health, mental health roller coaster, talking boundary, therapy homework, this is what love looks like, this is what vulnerability looks like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 12:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21373798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fight_Surrender/pseuds/Drvivc
Summary: "Baz, I’ve got some homework from my therapist, yeah.”- In which Simon allows himself to be vulnerable and tell Baz about the contents of his mind.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Whumptober 2019 [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538212
Comments: 12
Kudos: 95





	Day 30 and 31: Recovery and Embrace

So let go

And jump in

Oh well whatcha waiting for

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

\- “Let Go” by Frou Frou

**Baz:**

He’s here. In my bed. Against all odds. Wearing my Watford football shirt. That’s all something.

He slipped in a moment ago, nestling behind me. He’s buried his face into my neck and wrapped his arm around my waist. I fight the urge to not breathe or move. I don’t want to scare him away. Simon resumed therapy around six months ago, after we returned from the shit show that was our trip to America.

I’m getting him back. Slowly. Sometimes I feel like I’m carefully gaining his trust. Advance and retreat. Like a wild animal. One wrong move and he could disappear forever. What if his therapist decides I’m harmful to his recovery? A bad influence. Holding him back. _Wrong_ for him? The thought robs me of air.

Focus on right now.

I close my eyes and take his hand.

“Baz?” Simon says into my shoulder blades. I feel like I’m spinning as some shred of basic brain function fires enough neurotransmitters for me to utter “yes, Snow?” The rest of my mind is in freefall. This is it. This is the breakup. I feel so heavy. Like I could sink into this mattress and disappear.

“I’ve got some homework from my therapist, yeah.” Simon has removed his arm from around my waist and is now drawing figures across my back with his finger. His voice is soft. A little sad. I should turn around and face him, but I can’t. It’s all I can do to remember what it means to breathe.

“What—” my voice cracks, I clear my throat. I have to do this. For Simon, even if it breaks my heart. “—is your homework?”

Simon slides his arm back around my waist, the other one slides underneath me to complete the embrace. He slides closer so that he’s touching me with his whole body, chest to leg. He’s still a human furnace. I feel a flicker of hope deep in my gut. Against my better judgement, I’m going to let it glow. What’s a little hope?

Snow takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. His breath is warm on my back, his hair brushes my neck. “When I see you, with your shit together, and your magic, and your breathtaking beauty—.” He lifts his face from my back, “for the love of Teller, don’t say anything snarky right now.” 

I find it prudent to bite my tongue.

“Merlin, this shit is hard,” Simon murmurs to my shoulders. I’m holding my breath. “The story I tell myself is— that I’m not good enough for you. That I don’t deserve to be loved by you. That you can do so much better than me.” Simon's voice drops to a whisper only audible to my vampire ears, “That I’m worthless.”

I can feel his heart. His heartbeat is my heartbeat. He takes another breath, “and that makes me feel so—sad.” He’s crying now. “Because I love you, Baz. So much. More than anyone— more than magic. It’s the only thing I’m sure of.”

I roll over then, and I’m kissing him because If I don’t, I think I might die. My tears mixing with his. My hands on his face, his hair, my tongue in his mouth. It’s almost as frenzied as that first time in the forest.

When we finally come up for air, I kiss his cheeks, his nose, his eyes, his chin. “You know I couldn’t love anyone but you, right? You’re the sun to my moon. You’re my everything.”

I push his curls up off his forehead. 

“My heart knows,” Simon replies, wiping my cheek with his thumb. “It’s just going to take time for my head to believe it.”

I kiss him again, this time softer, slower. “Take all the time you need, my love. You’re worth the wait.”

After a while, Simon slides his hands around my waist, we’re chest to chest now, I’m on top. He plants a loud, wet kiss on my forehead. “This therapy stuff is absolute garbage isn’t it?”

I roll my eyes, “shut up, you pillock. I love you.” 

“Mmm,” Simon murmurs rolling us over, “I love you too. Thank you for going on this mental health journey with me.”

“More like mental health roller coaster.” I respond. “But I’m here for it. All of it. No matter what, OK?”

Simon’s eyes meet mine, clear blue. He believes me. “Yeah,” he says. “OK.” 

“Together,” I say.

“Together,” he replies.

**Author's Note:**

> Well. This is the end. If you stuck through and read all these, thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed them.
> 
> I missed some prompts there near the end of this challenge because my own feelings of worthlessness got the best of me. Frankly, I've been on the edge of a panic attack all day while I've been posting these. I very much identify with Simon's struggles and it's why what I wanted most for Wayward Son was for Simon to be OK. I needed that. When it didn't happen, it was like Rainbow Rowell just knocked my legs out from under me. I fell hard, flat on my face. How could a work of fiction trigger me so hard that I ended up in therapy digging up unprocessed trauma from way back when I was five years old that had nothing to do with the book? I suppose that's Rainbow Rowell's superpower. She makes us feel stuff, dammit. It's what made me fall in love with Carry On. She made me feel joy, for the first time in a long time. The hard part is you can't feel joy without pain, and I've been suppressing that for years. This whole feeling feelings thing is kind of a blessing and a curse, tbh.
> 
> So anyway, this ficlet is what I want for Simon and Baz with every fiber of my (slowly recovering with the help of a lot of therapy) soul. I want them to communicate and work through their shit and just be fucking happy. 
> 
> Much love to those of you who took the time to read these ficlets, that brings me joy too. And copious anxiety, but that's my problem, not yours ;) . Thanks y'all. <3 <3


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